For those of you that don't know I am mormon. For a long time I was up in the air about how I felt about the church and God and everything really. This past year has changed me in so many ways.

I can now say that I do believe in this church. For the first time since I was 11 I bore my testimony in church today. I decided not to in sacrament though because I'm staying with Tyler's family right now and Tyler's mom already spoke. EVERYONE was balling. I still can't believe it will soon be one year since he died.

So I spoke in Relief Society. Oh, I was so nervous. I am horrible in front of crowds, especially strangers. I am a naturally shy girl. My heart started to pound so hard I thought I would throw up. I said a little prayer and felt better.

Then after the lesson the RS Pres said we could bear our testimonies. So I stood up without hesitation. I know that if I didn't do it then I'd never find the nerve. It was hard for me to go up there. I was all fidgety. I tried not to look at any of the women because I knew I'd lose it. But the few times that I did manage to make eye contact all I saw were teary eyes. I saw Tyler's mom's best friend balling her eyes out. I almost collapsed seeing her. Judy teaches Young Woman's so she wasn't there. I don't know if I would have been able to handle seeing her there too. But then again maybe I would have. I looked over and saw a woman holding her young baby girl. Her little baby was looking right at me and smiling so big. It made it easier for me to continue forward.

I walked up to the front and introduced myself and spoke of my failing faith last summer after Tyler and I separated. I spoke of how it was make or break time for me. I spoke of how when I got the call about Tyler I knew that the experience would either leave me faithless or full of hope. I spoke of the grey day it was and how in the moment Tyler took his last breath the clouds broke and the sun filled up the room. I spoke of the overwhelming sense of peace I felt then. It was as though a piece of heaven, the place Tyler was headed, had spilled over into the room. And I KNEW right then just what I believed and how I would come to feel. I spoke of Tyler's family and their unconditional faith and love and support. I spoke of their wonderful example to me and how they kept me going on my bad days. I spoke of my new found faith in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I felt so wonderful afterward. I felt that I had released something so amazing that had slowly grown bigger than my body. I felt that if I didn't say it out loud soon I'd burst. I feel so happy. I am so grateful I had the opportunity and the strength to get up and speak.

So many woman came up to me afterward and gave me hugs and spoke to me or simply said thank you. Tyler's mom's best friend was just sobbing she came up and gave me a big hug. She could hardly speak. As I left to go meet Tyler's mom Judy I was stopped many times on the way. When I saw Judy she smiled at me as another woman stopped and hugged me. She told Judy that I had bore my testimony in RS and that it was wonderful. Judy hugged me and told me I was a sweet girl. As we left she told me that three other woman had come up and told her that I spoke. We hugged again.

It was such a spiritually wonderful day. I still feel so great.

You don't have to believe what I do. I love you all the same no matter what you believe. And I hope you can all respect my beliefs as I do yours.

Did I forget to mention I finally got my Patriarchal Blessing? Well, I did and it was well worth it. Tyler's mom, my mom were there. My boyfriend was also able to be there too. It was such an incredible experience. One I will never forget.

I am trying to change my life. I don't want to become stagnant. I want growth not death. I want to pry the cold dark hands that have been holding me back all these years from my heart. I want to kick the shit out of all the fear that floats around my soul. I feel as though I am running toward green fields and blue skies. And my past can see that I am trying to lay them to rest. So they fight. Pulling my hair and cutting up my skin. I'm struggling to make my way out of this dark tangled web of nothing special. Screaming and kicking. Skin and heart ripped to shreds I see the blue sky through the vines. I'm trapped in a sandpit. I'm reaching my hands out. I'm not giving up. All these years. This is my time to let go. This is my time to escape. If only I could escape myself and all the hurt I have endured... I'm almost there. Almost there. Almost there. Almost there. But I'm still stuck in the sandpit, quicksand, right before I cross the line.

I left the two mormon communities I had on my friends list. In the mormon community there is this catholic guy on there that just makes me not want to talk about my own spiritual trials and whatever. I feel like anything I might say would just be used for homework for him. It's hard enough talking about such private things, you know? Who needs tha added stress? Also some girl posted about a young girl that got "knocked up" and I was just really uncomfortable with that. I don't know.

I am feeling really annoyed with everyone and everything right now.

It took the death of my husband for me to start to question my spirituality. I have questioned God and all that I have ever believed in. And I do believe that in some aspects I have become closer to God. Yet in this moment I am feeling more confused than ever. I know there are some things that I feel truth in with out a doubt. But it's more the things I don't understand and can't seem to comprehend that are troubling me. I am feeling lost in this search for spiritual growth.

Sigh.

I have been thinking of Tyler a lot lately. I have been missing him. I have wanted to talk to him. I have wanted to hear what he might have to say. I have wanted to see a new smile on his face. A smile I have never seen before. I have wanted to call him up to go longboarding down the canyon on a night when the moon is bright and could light our way down. I have missed his friendship. I have missed his hugs. We were never perfect as lovers or husband and wife. But as friends we surely were the best. It's just too bad we could never bring that friendship to new levels, new heights, while he was alive and we were in love.

But they say it all happens for a reason. I just miss him I guess. I hope he knows that. I hope he knows I am thinking of him.

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing interesting to talk about. I feel like no one wants to hear what I might have to say anyway. My life is nothing extraordinary. .:Sigh:.

I need new summer clothes.

Life is Beautiful...

I am insanely happy these days. And now the fear of another broken heart is creeping in. I don't want that fear to come alive. I've had more than my share of broken hearts. No more broken hearts please. And still I don't want this fear of a broken heart to cause strain or pressure...

I am praying and feeling something real. And that is what I need to hold onto. Faith has always been hard for me. But I am willing to take a risk this time. I want to. Even with my fear of losing I am placing faith in something that maybe things will turnout differently.

Had the sister missionaries over for dinner today. Sister W was incredible. She is from New York City. She has a tiny little apartment in the West Village I believe. She worked with Betsey Johnson! She personally knows Betsey Freaking Johnson. That is so awesome. She wants to finish school. Fashion design. She is sooo awesome. I really enjoyed chatting with her today.

*Went to Barnes and Noble and bought a painting book.
*Bought 5 new movies for very cheap.
*Had sushi with my mom.
*Had a girl night with my mom and my sister.

Today was a really good day. Lots of smiling and laughing. I would like to end it with a call to a certain someone but... I probably wont.

I love the sunshine.

Emotionally exhausted. I can't take anymore. Please, just make it all stop. I want to breath again.

I am feeling very, very, very INSECURE today. I hate feeling this way. It makes me want to throw up. I wish I didn't get crazy like this. Sometimes I feel completely insane. I can't seem to function right. And every thought that comes to my mind is totally RIDICULOUS. I feel confused and distracted. I find myself questioning things that need not be questioned at all. I look in the mirror and wonder why. I see the curve of my body and I want to scream. Outside in. I know the real problem I am having has more to do with inside out. At least for today.

---


Today I get to see and smell and feel and hear the lives that Tyler and I created. I get to love them without Ty here. The last time I saw them was at Tyler's funeral. My heart is going to explode in a good way. Yet that little room I keep locked deep inside feels so sad that Ty wont be here with us today. Maybe he will but it's not the same.

I can't get that song out of my head. I can't get enough of it. It makes me smile. I love it.

I can't believe today was my first time back to church for something other than a baby blessing or funeral in over a year. I almost didn't go for some stupid reason but at the last minute I said ok and went. I am glad I did go even though my skirt had oil pastels on it. Ha. That happens to me a lot.

Last night I had a dream that I was getting married again. I was sitting all pretty in my wedding dress in a dimly light room. I looked in the mirror and saw through it. I saw our family and friends all sitting around a table smiling and laughing. And then I saw myself on the outside. I got scared. Beyond scared, I was terrified and I ran out the door. I ran down an empty street lined with perfect trees and perfect houses. Old antique light posts and a starry night. I ran and ran. I don't know where I was going. I didn't look back.

Tonight was my very last Miracle of Forgiveness Institute class. I almost didn't go. I am glad I changed my mind at the last minute. It was a very inspiring class tonight.

As I was waiting for my ride to pick me up after class I saw two ex friends of mine. One kid that only knows how to judge anyone that is not perfect like him. And another kid that happens to be my sister's boyfriend's brother. I HATE him. He is a liar. He is a jerk. He stole a ton of my movies and sold them to my old work. Over two hundred dollars worth of movies and he only got about 100. He said he would pay me back. He still hasn't. He never even apologized and that was the thing that pissed me off the most. I can't stand him. I flipped him off.... twice.

Then I looked up to see a picture of Christ and he looked very upset with me. I said I was sorry but he still looked mad. I sunk down low into my chair and looked away. But I couldn't help but look back to see if maybe he had a different expression, he didn't. I ran outside. I still can't get that expression out of my head.

Anyway, I think I am going to sign up for a summer institute class.

I can't seem to comprehend life after death. After Tyler I thought I understood. But with another friend gone and more on the way I can't help but feel emptiness when I think about it. I mean what the fuck is all this??????????? I feel like this is all just one big acid trip. I want to come down already.

I wish I had the balls to kill myself.

I can't feel this way anymore. It's making me insane. It's making my heart beat a thousand times too fast. It's taking my breath away. It's sending lightning bolts though out my body. It's making me feel stupid and desperate and lonely. It's pushing away. It's eating me alive. It's making me crazy. REALLY, REALLY CRAZY! I can see into the future. The future seems bleak. The more I toss it aside and disregard it as nothing the stronger it comes back to knock me on my ass. One of these days this will explode through my ribcage and stop another heart. Something that was found will be stolen away and replaced with emptiness. Always, only, emptiness.

Please God just take this away. Take this away. Take this away. Take this away.... PLEASE!

look in my eyes
I'm jaded now whatever that means
by sharing these things
I rip my heart out
it's worth my time
whatever that means...so

I often wonder about the path I’ve chosen for myself. Did I really choose this path or was I meant to follow my feet to this place? For me, it has always been easier to blame the course of my life on fate. Recently fate has seemed a fool to me. So I have taken responsibility for my own life. Whichever the path, whereever my feet carry me, it will all be in my choosing. I still believe that life has a motion all it’s own but it does not choose for me. It only swirls around the breath I have chosen to breath into my life. And in reading that I can see that maybe I am the only one that will make sense of what I have said.

I’ve felt the very depths of emotions through out my short life. Yet I’ve managed to place 100 years into twenty-three. Twenty-three years alive and then again I don’t believe I ever truly lived until this very moment. It is impossible to show you all that I am and all that I have seen. However, I do believe in possibility. And in possibility I believe that one day you will catch a glimpse into who I am and who I am becoming.

---

It's strange reading things I never thought I could or would write. Like I am reading someone else's words. Weird.

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 23. My sister called me an old lady. Of course she was joking but in all honesty I do feel like an old crippled lady. A weathered woman staring through a distant window into her box full of memories. 59.8 more years of life left for me.

My love is gone. Carried away my soul in the tight grip of his callused hands. I look to another and always feel the wind rush up my skirt as they run the other way. No one sees me. They only ever see the deep lines of my past tattooed across my face. They see the skipped heartbeats I carry behind broken ribs. Love seems to have come and gone. The one chance I had to feel it, to live it, came and went. Died as he did. Love on some other day seems to be the unattainable dream floating around my heart.

Someday is always tomorrow, never today.

If you are not on my aroundthebend friend list read this. The story of us. I did it today.